A521.8.4.RB_LloydPayneDamien

McKay, Davis and Fanning provide some direction for making contact with strangers. How comfortable are you striking up a conversation with someone new?. Are you able to "work a room" with ease?

In your blog, reflect on aspects of your personality and/or upbringing which make you able to relate to strangers easily—or not so easily. What lessons can you take from Chapter 14 of Messages to improve your ability to connect with others?

I feel that I am very comfortable and skilled when it comes to striking up a conversation with strangers. I have a very diverse background and upbringing that allows me to do this. In the 11 years that I have emigrated to America, away from my family, I have had 6 different jobs and have lived at 9 different addresses. There can be nothing more daunting for someone than uprooting to a different country. Striking up a conversation with a stranger is an essential part of immigration!  During my time at each job and address, I have had to initiate and develop relationships with complete strangers, and in some cases, rely on these stranger's kindness and help because of the location and the circumstances of my job.

One particular incident that comes to mind was at Christmas in 2004.  I had just started in a new position flight instructing the previous September, and had just a few students.  I worked long hours and made tiny amounts of money.  One student, Pat Hoban was a middle aged man who lived in the next town over with whom I got on well with instantly.  Although we did not have much in common besides helicopters, we got along well and talked a lot about family and friends.  When it came to Christmas, he invited myself, my wife and two very young children (5 and 3) to join them on Christmas eve.  They were having a big dinner and a family present swap.  I accepted, because at that stage Christmas at our house was a modest affair, and the kids would enjoy the company of other children at a party, even though we didn't know them well.  My wife and I prepared the kids for what we thought would be the inevitable tears when they realized that none of the presents being handed out among the family would be for them, as this is a difficult thing to understand for someone so young.  What really touched me was that after the meal everyone from Pat's family sat in the living room and exchanged gifts.  At the end, Pat pulled out two last presents from the tree - one for each of my children.  I couldn't believe it, and it still fills me with joy and tears as I write about it now. In the short time that I had known Pat, he had already started to consider us as part of his family.  He knew money was tight, and wanted to do what he could for me.

Initiating and engaging in conversation with strangers has never been difficult for me, nor is it uncomfortable. I also have a very outgoing personality and this helps with my comfort level around strangers.  I feel very comfortable talking in front of large crowds, especially when I do not know the people in the room and the subject is familiar to me. Largely this has been due to my upbringing.  My parents were very sociable people, and also had a wide base of friends from many different classes and walks of life.  As a child growing up I was exposed to balls, black tie affairs, boat races, lawn parties and evenings at the theatre, ballet or opera.  All these occasions meant a different style, a different outlook and a different engagement of other people in attendance.  It was never the same thing twice, but what it did teach was the multiple aspects of making contact with strangers.


I grew up in a family of 6 children, and there were numerous times when I had to take control of the group, which required strong communication and leadership skills. My 5 brothers were all of a strong personality, and sometimes these skills were tested to the limits. This allowed me to gain confidence when talking in front of others, arguing. I also left my hometown and family at the age of 18, and travelled to Australia with no family or friends. I had to develop and improve on my communication skills and self-confidence to be able to meet new people at every step and form relationships with them. I started by flying out to Sydney, and then travelled the country from one city to the next staying and working from youth hostels. It was an interesting dynamic - at least everyone at a youth hostel had something in common: we were all travelling  and trying to survive.  Sometimes we would form a group dynamic and stick together for a month or so as we worked in one place and then eventually individuals drifted on to the next town.  If anything was certain, it was that I would have to make a new new set of friends every few weeks. At the very least it was a learning experience.

According to McKay et. al. (2009) “there are three things to make a good conversation: ask questions, listen actively, and disclose a little about yourself” and  “the inability to listen is the most common cause of conversational disaster’ (p. 214). This is an important skill in any conversation. Sometimes, you can greet people with a wrong statement and people respond with a polite yes. They didn’t listen to what was said. In many cases people don’t remember the name of the person the meet - something I am very guilty of.  In this week's readings I learned that “listening is more than merely keeping your mouth shut” (McKay et. al., 2009, p. 214). We must be an active listener, and this is a powerful tool. Providing feedback within the conversation will indicate that you understood what was said, and promote more disclosure on the side. According to McKay, Davis & Fanning (2009), this provides for a good conversation.

Reference:
McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (2009). Messages, the communication skills book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.